A Family Lawyer's Guide to a Kids-First Divorce
If you live in Louisville -- whether you're an artist or an attorney, a social change agent or a social butterfly -- you're going to run into Holly Houston.
This lady is everywhere, y'all. She's a leading family law practitioner, an advocate for social justice and volunteerism, and a writer. Her bio states:
A. Holland “Holly” Houston has practiced family law since 1997. She is collaboratively trained but has also most recently been called “a pit bull in a skirt” and told she needs her own tv show. You can email her at hollyh@win.net. She is the co-founder and co-director of GLOW, Greater Louisville Outstanding Women, an organizer and founder of Women Mean Business in Kentucky, an informal regional women’s leadership and business group, a mentor for Louisville Girls Leadership and Chair of the new Human Rights section at the Louisville Bar Association.
"A pit bull in a skirt" -- what a great description! So, when I read that January is International Child-Centered Divorce Month, Holly wasn't just the top of my list for potential guest-posters. She was the list. -- HCW
I was in Judge’s chambers a week or so ago talking to one of our ten Jefferson Family Court Judges about peaceful parenting for divorced parents and parents who are no longer together. On its surface, the concept seems so organic and so mindful of children’s best interests. In what is arguably an age of the most indulgent parenting in our history, parents inevitably put the kids’ needs first, right? Unfortunately in my experience it is the exception rather then the rule that once-intact couples are able to detach from blaming the partner for the breakup, and buck up, shut up and put the kids first.
To be sure, a combative personality combined with a desire to punish and a high need for drama almost guarantee long term, expensive, everybody-loses-litigation that recent studies show has nothing but a negative impact on kids of divorce. On the other hand (and I have seen this be true every time) parents with strong coping skills and support systems who exhibit an ability to shield their children from controversy with the other parent over money, schedules and new partners for example, reach settlements faster and manage to co-parent effectively with well-adjusted kids and few, if any, returns to Court for anything other than minor adjustments to agreements.
The premise of a recent law review article published in the
, is that following the initial impact and stress of divorce, children of divorce fare just as well as children in intact families. “In fact, most children of divorce are not distinguishable from their peers whose parents did not divorce in regard to behavioral and emotional difficulties,” Rappaport wrote, but for five characteristics he set out on page 361 that can predict long term psychological damage to a child. They are 1) the level of parental conflict (including the children’s exposure to the conflict and the children’s perception of it) 2) parents’ mental health issues that may include depression and active alcohol and drug addiction 3) the level of involvement by what he called the “non-main caregiver” or the impact of an absent parent 4) the financial impact of the divorce to include a parent’s poverty and finally 5) a child’s own perception of the divorce.
I would add to the list: name-calling to include derogatory nicknames for a parent, disparagement, blaming the child for the divorce or for the parent’s sadness, anger or lot in life, emotional incest (“We’ll be okay honey as long as we have each other” spoken by a parent to a child or “I don’t know what I’d do without you” said to sway a child from spending more time or having fun with the other parent), interrogating the child about the other parent or the parent’s lifestyle or income or new partner, and of course, continued threats of violence between parents or in either family. While it’s clear that job losses and other financial hardships trigger stress for divorced and intact couples, how co- parents manage the stress makes all the difference in whether a parent’s divorce negatively impacts children.
“Parenting style and parenting skills are clearly risk factors or buffers that can impact how children cope with divorce,” according to Rappaport. A client personality characteristic that seems to be the most damaging in my experience to the case and the parties, both during and post litigation, is angry blaming by one parent of the other for the other parent’s circumstances, the death of a dream, for being a liar or a cheater or just a loser, combined with a desire for revenge at all costs. Blame the other parent and expect your children to model what it looks like to be a victim or a perpetrator. Or worse, watch your child get caught in a vicious triangle of victim, perpetrator, and rescuer.
When I was growing up, my parents had a scroll that spelled out parental behavior and its consequences on developing children’s personalities: When a child lives with conflict, a child learns to fight, and so on. Unbeknownst to me, that scroll likely foreshadowed much of my approach to advising high conflict/low stress tolerant clients. In a nutshell, you reap what you sow. As an adult, I stumbled on affirmative parenting messages on a friend’s refrigerator of all places that are designed to raise a confident and secure child. Among them: “You can do it.” I’m here for you.” and “I love you no matter what”. [
Ed. note: The scroll referenced the poem "Children Learn What They Live" by
.
]
I have shared those messages over the years with clients in attempts to help them preface the “We’re getting divorced” talk with the kids or to counter overwhelmingly hurtful and negative messages from the other parent. That having been written, affirmations only go so far. Ultimately, a parent’s willingness to do whatever it to takes to prioritize his or children’s emotional welfare, including seeking and undergoing mental health counseling individually or with an ex-partner to bury the hatchet, is the greatest predictor of successful co-parenting in my experience. It takes what it takes.
Retired Judge
is masterful at structuring settlements to mitigate conflict in two parent homes. When the tide turned toward joint custody as a default in Kentucky many years ago, he was a pioneer here for provisions that forbid unilateral decision-making in joint custody cases in which the parents maintain autonomous homes. While parents share decision making around the children’s upbringing, each gets to set the rules in his or her own home.
Ideally, the rules are shared between households and mimic each other. When they’re not, the children generally are the first to let the parents know they get to do x at mom’s and not at dad’s and it’s up to the parents to attempt to reconcile the rules or not. Different rules around chores and computer time have much less of an impact than a parent’s withholding information from the other in what can turn into a sick game like withholding grades and report cards and recital dates and insurance cards.
The use of email communication and applications may nip the withholding game in the bud if the parties use applications and software such as Google calendar and scheduling software and scan and email promptly what should be shared documents. Effective co-parenting includes an organized and predictable method to share kids’ activities, track appointments, share assignments and schedule holidays and vacations. Some parents may be able to share information via phone and some may only be comfortable communicating via email. Regardless of the chosen communication though, any tool that negates arguments between parents that children are privy to is a bonus.
If I have learned anything in Judge’s interviews with kids in custody cases it’s first, that they are likely to say almost anything you will probably not be prepared for and second, they know exactly how to manipulate their parents in high conflict cases to get what they want. Clear communication between mom and dad without children in the middle is probably the cheapest and one of the best gifts divorced parents can give kids and each other.
Inasmuch as neither practitioners nor clients are naïve enough to believe that downloading an app will solve parental conflict, family lawyers may be wise to recommend their use to save both money and time in cases with low to mid parental conflict. For high conflict cases in which every text turns into a disaster, nothing beats therapy and a parenting coordinator, services parties can agree on between themselves or a Judge can Order if presented with sufficient information that meets statutory criteria. Also, as with all family cases, choice of counsel plays a role. Typically bombastic clients seek litigation happy lawyers. Conversely, clients who want a peaceful resolution will find lawyers who are skilled negotiators and pride themselves as such with no desire for protracted “custody battles” that carry a high price tag for clients and generally very little satisfaction for either parent (not to mention the child).
Kids are sponges. Parents are models. When parents have their own boundaries and are able to articulate what is acceptable behavior and what they won’t tolerate, they are able to teach the children to how to communicate what they need effectively to the family’s benefit. If it takes counseling to get there, so be it. Most of us could use a little help with a lot. Whether Post-Decree or post-breakup, the truth is parents are inescapably bound together by the children they conceived. What they do to fortify their new entity as parents who are no longer a couple, yet responsible jointly for the well being of their kids, is up to them. In the end, would you rather have happy kids or would you rather be right?
The HerKentucky Interview with Allison Tamme
Interview with Danville native Allison Tamme, wife of Denver Broncos Tight End Jacob Tamme.
Sometimes, when I'm interviewing someone, I have the fleeting thought that "I really wish I were friends with this person!" Over the past few days, I've had just that impression as I've exchanged emails with Allison Tamme, a Danville native and WKU alumna. As Allison discussed her faith and her family, it felt like I was chatting with an old friend. When the conversation turned to her husband, former Kentucky football star and current Denver Broncos tight end Jacob Tamme, Allison was humble and gracious. She mentioned his famous teammates like Peyton Manning as casually as you'd mention your husband's law partner or sales manager, and spoke of the Broncos' upcoming Super Bowl appearance with a mixture of excitement and humility.
Allison was kind enough to share the story of a mom, football wife, and cancer survivor with us. I know that, come Super Bowl Sunday, many of us here in Kentucky will be cheering on Jacob and the Wildcats Broncos! -- HCW
Jacob and Allison after the 2014 AFC Championship Game.
HK: Tell us a little bit about yourself.
AT: I grew up in Danville, Kentucky and attended Boyle County High School and Western Kentucky University. I'm your average small-town girl living in a big city! My current occupation is a stay at home mom for our two year old son, Luke. He definitely keeps me on my toes each day and brings adventure to our lives. I'm taking online classes to get my Master's in Teaching (MAT) and hope to have an elementary classroom of my own one day. I'm a self-taught seamstress and I'm currently working on a quilt for my friend and lots of dresses for my niece. I'm a Pinterest junkie and love to bake, craft, and create. Kentucky is definitely home for me and I go back to Danville every chance I get! Although Denver is beautiful, there is nothing better than the crisp air and southern hospitality of The Bluegrass State!
HK: I know that you are a thyroid cancer survivor. That had to be such a scary diagnosis to hear. What advice would you give to someone who is newly diagnosed?
AT: Today is actually the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. Nothing will derail your life quite like the Big "C". My advice for a newly-diagnosed cancer patient is to avoid the Web. I believe that knowledge is power, but the wrong knowledge will scare you to death. I spent the first night after my diagnosis sleeplessly reading all kinds of bogus information on message boards about my cancer. It completely freaked me out and most of the information didn't even pertain to me. I would definitely suggest that you speak to an oncologist first before you do any research on your own.
The most important thing to me during my battle with cancer was the support of my family and friends. My family is probably the most amazing family ever! I know lots of people say that, but I really do mean it! The night I was diagnosed my family and Jacob's family came straight to our house and brought dinner and ice cream and just loved on me. It meant so much! They would drop everything at a moment's notice to help us with our son, our house, laundry, food, etc. during my surgery and treatment. I can't tell you how many times our friends and members of our church told me they were praying for me... what a blessing and a honor that was. To have a wonderful support system and a strong faith in Christ completely changed my outlook during my battle with cancer.
HK: What did you learn from your battle with thyroid cancer?
AT: I wouldn't call cancer a gift, but it definitely was an educator. I have learned that the things we eat, the chemicals we use daily, and our environment can change our health immensely. I never considered myself to be an unhealthy person, but I am living a much more healthy lifestyle now. I'm doing everything I can to keep my family from having to go through what I've been through the past year. I've also learned what is most important in life. Before cancer, I would stress out about cleaning our house, finding the perfect outfits for holidays and planning our schedule down to the last minute months in advance. After cancer, all of that has changed. I'm much more relaxed because I know that what is most important are the people you love and the time we spend with them.
Jacob and Allison after a Boyle County game, their Junior year of high school.
HK: How did you and Jacob meet?
AT: Jacob and I grew up in the same hometown and we first met each other in preschool at
Lexington Avenue Baptist Church. We even have pictures together at the age of 5! We started dating the summer after our sophomore year of high school and have been together ever since. When we started dating, Jacob was playing baseball and had long curls flipping out from under his baseball cap! When football practice started later that summer we spent lots of time together because I was the manager (aka: water girl) for the Boyle County Rebels football team. Jacob would always get teased by other players and coaches that he got preferential treatment because I was his girlfriend! After high school, Jacob went to the University of Kentucky and I went to Western Kentucky University. I spent lots of time in college traveling to every football game the Cats played. We had a long distance relationship for four years and it made our relationship much stronger!
HK: Football has, obviously, played a huge role in your life as well as your husband's. Do y'all talk sports at home?
AT: Most people think football is our life, and while it is a huge part of our life, we both realize that its not the most important thing. To us, football is Jacob's profession. I know most people scoff at the thought of football being a job, but it truly is. I get offended sometimes when people say that football isn't a "real" job. Jacob works so hard! During the season he works seven days a week and leaves our house at 6am and rarely returns home before 6pm. In the NFL, it is so much more of a mental job than a physical job. The players spend much more time in meetings and learning plays and defenses than they do on field. With that said, we do talk sports at home, but it's not what you would expect. I always ask him if he has any funny stories from the day and he will sometimes show me a great play he made at practice on their film, but other than that our talking mostly revolves around Luke.
The Tammes at Bronco Training Camp
HK: What is the mood like at your house going into the Super Bowl? How excited is Luke?
AT: This is our second trip to the Super Bowl and it is just as, if not more exciting than the first! After the AFC Championship win, it was really surreal that the Super Bowl trip was really happening. Then Monday afternoon hits and the reality of planning the logistics of the trip hit you in the face! I'm not going to lie, it is stressful to plan flights, hotels and tickets for the big game, but it's ALL such a blessing! The players left for New York on Sunday so right now Luke and I are anxiously awaiting our trip on Thursday. Luke is very, very excited! He LOVES football and plays with Jacob nearly every day! Luke always says, "Daddy, I'll be Peyton and you be the touchdown guy!" We are hoping that his imagination comes to life on Sunday!
Allison and Jacob after the 2007 Blue-White Game
HK: I've read that the former Wildcats- Wesley Woodyard, Danny Trevathan and Jacob -- are wearing UK blue in practice for The Big Game. Is it good to have a little bit of the Wildcat Nation with you guys?
AT: I haven't heard about them wearing blue for practice, but you can guarantee they will be supporting the Big Blue Nation in New York. We absolutely love having lots of Wildcats out here in Denver!
Champ Kelley is in the front office as well, so four Wildcats in all! Peyton, Britton (our punter) and Robert Ayres (defensive end) are all Tennessee Volunteers so the Cats always like to take jabs at them! It's all in good fun except for that one Saturday each fall when they play each other!
Thanks so much to Allison Tamme for taking the time to chat with us today. I know I speak for so many Kentucky fans in wishing Jacob and the Broncos the best of luck in the Super Bowl this weekend!
Skinny Manhattan
Like many, I set a goal to slim down and shape up after the first of the year. In pursuit of that goal, I joined Weight Watchers and have been working out more often. The other day, I went to track my delicious Maker's Mark Manhattan and about fell out of my chair when I learned that it was 10 points plus! That's over a third of one's daily points and puts my favorite cocktail in the special occasions only category.
Well, we all know that nobody puts baby in the corner so I set out to make a slimmed down version of my favorite cocktail. I consider it to be even better than the original as it really lets the flavor of the bourbon shine through and is now only 4 points plus! You might even be so inclined to have two!
Skinny Manhattan
- 1.5 Ounces of your favorite bourbon
- Splash of Sweet Vermouth (1/8 Tablespoon)
- Dash of Bitters
I serve it over ice and garnish with fresh berries for an extra treat.
The glass featured in this post is Kentucky's own J. Charles Monogrammed Crystal.
All WW points calculated by using the Weight Watchers recipe builder.
Follow Your Dreams Friday: Kristin Williams of Ephemera Paducah
Our first Follow Your Dreams Friday post comes from Kristin Williams, the proprietor of Ephemera Paducah. I love the idea that a big birthday can be the impetus for big plans! Thanks for the reminder to keep dreaming, Kristin!
I remember exactly where I was on Interstate 24, and exactly how I felt. Making my way to Atlanta from Paducah for what seemed like my 100,233,978th
economic development conference, I was as uninspired as could be with what lay ahead. Feeling spent, and dreading, absolutely dreading, turning 50 (albeit 13 months away), it hit me that I had to make a change. My “aha” moment came about Exit 78 cruising down the highway near Murfreesboro, TN.
Photo via J.T. Crawford, Paducah Life
On long car trips I always have a big blank pad of paper and Sharpie in the passenger seat so I can jot down ideas as I drive. I reached over and wrote, “How can I get excited about turning 50?”and began fleshing it out.
My first career started in Knoxville, Tennessee as I pursued a Master’s Degree in Planning at the University of Tennessee where I specialized in economic development. Over the course of eight years, I worked at a high tech recruitment organization and chambers of commerce in Tennessee helping companies locate or expand in my community. I assisted companies like M&M Mars, Kimberly Clark, and countless others cutting deals, navigating tax breaks and developing industrial parks so they could create jobs.
The nature of chamber and ED jobs is to move to larger organizations as one’s career progresses (involving changing cities), which is what brought me to Paducah in 1996. Falling in love and getting married was a good life change in 1999, but limited my opportunities career-wise unless I wanted to move again. The alternative was going it alone, and In August of 2000 I started my second career, a consulting business called KRW Strategies. I enjoyed working with ED groups, non-profit organizations and private businesses for close to 12 years. Meeting facilitation, organizational development, employee assessments, and strategic planning were all in my wheelhouse.
As much as I loved the freedom of consulting, it became quite lonely. Working directly with clients was fulfilling, and the rush walking out of a successful meeting helping to solve an organization’s problems was great, but those events occurred in-between long stretches of staring at a computer screen in a home office writing reports. There were days when my first audible conversation of the day occurred when my husband walked in the door at 5:30 pm.
My stress reliever or “happy place” during downtimes was daydreaming about owning an arts and crafts workshop space and retail store. As I was falling asleep on ick days having navigated curmudgeonly boards of directors or watched my consulting work get shelved by clients, I imagined rows paints and brushes and my fingers covered in glitter or clay.
Starting about 2004, I began taking an annual trip to what I affectionately call “craft camp,” exploring Mixed Media techniques at art retreats. My chamber of commerce background kicked in when I critiqued the hospitality, afforded or not, to those like me who had traveled 1,000s of miles to take workshops. I kept thinking, “I could do this better.”
Being “crafty” has always been a part of my life. I’ve done everything and still love doing everything from card making to painting to embroidery to encaustic. My mother was the most talented woman I’ve ever known, and I grew up appreciating always having a creative outlet in my life.
During my “professional” days, however, I’d deny my need to create when I had a deadline in front of me. If I wasn’t working on my paying gig, some weird psychology kept me away from a crafting. Kind of a “I had to finish dinner to deserve dessert” mentality. In retrospect, having that absent from my life was a big part of feeling so unfulfilled.
So, back to the big blank piece of paper on the passenger seat barreling down I-24. At that precise moment, I decided my 50th Birthday present to myself was to quit economic development, quit talking about opening up a creative business, quit dreaming about it, and just do it. And I did. I spent age 49 plotting and scheming.
After finding the perfect location in Paducah’s LowerTown Arts District, my husband and I became property owners of a facility constructed in 2007 specifically for an artist studio and retail space. May 17, 2013 was opening day of Ephemera Paducah.
Ephemera Paducah hosts art and craft workshops on a regular basis ranging from those national mixed media instructors I sought out at “craft camp” to fun Girl’s Night Out Pinterest-type parties. Being a start-up, I’ve had many of those days staring at a computer screen, but the good news is it’s now MY JOB to be crafty.
The best news is, though, turning 50 was my best birthday ever.
The goal of Ephemera Paducah is to be the least intimidating, most fun, most creative, and most inviting place to learn new art & craft techniques, pick up interesting supplies, and share the joy with other everyday artists. Located at 333 N. 9th
Street in Paducah, Kentucky. Find out about workshops and events at www.EphemeraPaducah.com
Uh-fem-er-ah – Items of memorabilia, typically written or printed, originally expected to have short life, but salvaged and savored by astute everyday artists!
American Printing House for the Blind
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| The piano upon which Stevie Wonder learned to play. |
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| The Book of Psalms from Helen Keller's Bible |
Happy Birthday, Muhammad Ali!
Happy birthday to The Greatest, Louisville native boxer Muhammad Ali!
Tomorrow marks the 72nd birthday of one of the most fascinating, charismatic, inspiring, and beloved figures in modern sports. Boxing legend Muhammad Ali was born Cassius Marcellus Clay, Jr. in Louisville on January 17, 1942.
As a boxer, Ali connected with legions of fans due not only to his amazing feats in the ring (he remains the only three-time lineal World Heavyweight Champion) but also his famous brand of self-promotion. He became known as The Louisville Lip due to enduring statements like "I am the Greatest" and "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." Of course, his talent in the ring backed up his statements. Ali later said, "At home, I am a nice guy, but I don’t want the world to know. Humble people, I’ve found, don’t get very far.”
Nobody ever mistook Ali for being humble. Throughout the Sixties and Seventies, he was known not only for his boxing successes and outlandish statements, but also for his political and cultural stances. His religious and social objections to the Vietnam War as well as his candor regarding race and political issues made him a counterculture icon. Ali wasn't just a boxer, he was the first true "Sports Personality", establishing the groundwork for modern sports culture. As the writer Joyce Carol Oates said in her work "On Boxing", Ali was one of the few athletes in any sport to "define the terms of his public reputation." Ali's reputation extended far beyond the realm of sports; he is a seminal figure in modern African-American culture, with popularity that has racial lines for decades.
Upon his retirement from boxing, Ali has devoted his time and resources to humanitarian causes and Parkinson's Disease research. He is the recipient of the Presidential Medal of Honor, Amnesty International's Lifetime Achievement Award, and the National Constitution Center Liberty Medal.
Louisville's Muhammad Ali Center, established by The Champ and his wife Lonnie, is an education center and museum devoted to the six principles established by Ali:
- Confidence: Belief in oneself, one's abilities, and one's future.
- Conviction: A firm belief that gives one the courage to stand behind that belief, despite pressure to do otherwise.
- Dedication: The act of devoting all of one's energy, effort, and abilities to a certain task.
- Giving: To present voluntarily without expecting something in return.
- Respect: Esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of, oneself and others.
- Spirituality: A sense of awe, reverence, and inner peace inspired by a connection to all of creation and/or that which is greater than oneself.
The Ali Center is celebrating Muhammad Ali's 72nd birthday on Friday with a special free screening of the film "The Trials of Muhammad Ali" at 6 p.m. All day at the Center. Visitors can create birthday cards for The Champ that day, and those who can't attend the festivities are asked to use the Twitter hashtag #HBDMuhammadAli.
From all of us at HerKentucky, Happy Birthday, Muhammad! You'll always be The Greatest to us!
Getting Fit
